As far as safe sex is concerned, it is hard to beat masturbation. There used to be plenty of taboos regarding spanking the monkey, also referred to as pulling the pud, chokin’ the chicken, flogging the log, strangling the one-eyed python and lots of others colorful expressions. But this pleasant way to pass the time has become easier to talk about. Most women and pretty much all men masturbate regularly, and nearly everyone is willing to admit that fact. It’s a free and healthy source of entertainment that has no real downside, as long as you don’t let yourself become addicted to it.
Love thyself, heal thyself
For centuries, there has been a lot of superstition related to masturbation. To keep people from committing this sin of the flesh, negative consequences were intentionally linked to it. Apart from God apparently not taking kindly to the wasting of sperm (which endangers your soul) it was believed to have consequences to your health. According to some, it sapped your vitality, could cause hair to grow on your palms or even lead to blindness.
Research done in 2003 however seems to prove the opposite. Having regular orgasms is beneficial to guys, regardless of whether the guy does it solo. It seems it flushes out the system and lowers the risk of developing prostate cancer. Apart from that, it can also help some men relax if under a lot of stress. Masturbation is one of the few things in life that is both fun and good for you.
“If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
– RuPaul, presenter/drag queen
Practice makes perfect
Jerking off is good practice for the real deal. It can help you get in touch with your own body and help you anticipate your body’s responses. Climaxing too soon during sex can be caused by feelings of shame or insecurity but can also occur simply because someone doesn’t recognise that he is about to go over the edge and needs to back off a little. By taking the matter into your own hands, so to speak, you get better at controlling those feelings, especially if you consciously practice taking yourself to the edge and balancing there. If at first you don’t succeed, just keep practicing, with a towel or some tissues within reach.
For some, their pre-come will suffice when playing solo, but you may want to use some extra lube. Try out different varieties to see what feels best to you. There are many, many ways to jerk off, so experiment with techniques to see what kind of feelings your cock enjoys. Switch hands, vary the way you position your hand as you stroke. Just focus on the head or let your hand slide all the way up and down the shaft. Use just two fingers to jerk, or wrap your hand around your cock like a fist. Massage blood into your cock by tightening your grip a little bit every time your hand moves toward the tip. Jerk off with two hands next to each other, gently wringing your cock during each stroke. Keep your hands still, while you thrust your hips forward. Get your balls involved and your nipples if they are sensitive. Use a cock ring maybe. Definitely use your imagination. Once you’ve exhausted that, the internet also has plenty of tips about techniques.
Be sure to switch between a tight grip and a relaxed grip from time to time. Continually throttling your cock may cause your dick to become desensitized to a less firm, more subtle touch. If you already have a tough time reaching a climax during a real fuck, this can make the problem worse.
The little tricks you learn while you masturbate can also be used on future partners, though you have to keep in mind that not everybody’s equipment works in exactly the same way. Some are more sensitive than others and a cut dick needs a different approach than an uncut one. Cut men should remember that the foreskin on an uncut dick should not be pulled down too hard and uncut men should remember that a cut dick will need a little more spit or lube.
Always feel free to jerk yourself or your partner off during sex, to stay hard or to keep tensions high. Masturbation is not cheating and is not a judgement on the sexual skills of your partner. If he seems to interpret it that way, convince him by word or deed that he need not feel that way.
The prostate is a man’s g-spot. It can be found inside the ass by slipping in a sufficiently lubed index or middle finger and curving it towards the front of his body. It will feel like a little round nub and will most likely respond to external stimulation. This delivers the physical kick that many bottoms experience when they get fucked, greatly adding to the mental kick. This spot can, of course, also be brought into play during masturbation. Should a finger not give the desired effect, or if you are just looking for something different, you can find a large number of alternatives in any sex shop: dildo’s, anal beads, buttplugs and so on. It is recommended that you stick to things that are especially made for anal use. Avoid getting creative with other things you have lying around the house. Something that has a sharp edge or that is fragile and can break off inside your ass, can do serious and embarrassing damage to your behind. And something you could lose your grip on, may require medical assistance to get it back out. By occasionally taking some time to have fun with your ass when you are solo, you will get better at controlling the muscles there. This will make relaxing when you want to be fucked less difficult.
“I’m all thumbs when it comes to work around the house. But when it comes to sex, I am an expert at DIY.”
A star is porn
Men are visual creatures, and most like to get inspired by watching images or movies while they jerk off. Once upon a time, this required investing in videotapes and sex magazines, but these days an internet connection is all you need to enjoy a vast array of gay porn. Most of the professional videos you find will be used as bait to get you interested, but won’t actually be accessible unless you pay for them. Not all pay sites have your best interest at heart, so be careful who you give your confidential information to, like your credit card number. As you travel among various porn sites, be very wary of viruses and ‘Trojan horses’ which open up your computer for hackers. Online porn is safe sex for you, but your computer may catch something in the process.
Amateurs are increasingly visible on the internet on sites like xtube.com and they indulge in their exhibitionist tendencies with an ever diminishing amount of shame. Lighting and camera work usually aren’t up to professional standards, and many people shy away from showing their faces. But the authenticity makes up for many shortcomings. These are men having sex with each other not because they are being paid for it, but because they simply enjoy it.
Amateur movies also give a more realistic image of sex than the professional ones. In professional porn, actors have to conform to Western ideals of beauty, i.e. they’re perfect. The sexual performances in these movies are also edited to appear mythical; people fuck for hours without slowing down and there are no moments of clumsiness. If a condom is present, it is likely to magically appear without the fuss of putting it on. As an idealized version of sex, this manipulation of reality can be excused, but it can lead to feelings of inadequacy for viewers who feel that they have to live up to these standards, not realizing how artificial the sex is.
There are lessons to be learned from online porn. No matter what fetish you have, you are likely not the only one and there will be movies that seem to have been made solely for your benefit. And no matter how unsatisfied you are with your own looks, you will come across men online who look less attractive but still manage to have an intense, satisfying sex-life. You will occasionally find a new sexual position or discover that something kinky you stumbled across actually turns you on. You can let yourself be inspired and try to bring some of the ideas into play when you get busy with a partner.
What you should not adopt when it comes to behavior in porn, is the attitude that condoms are entirely optional. Fucking without a condom is unfortunately an all too common sight. Professional porn often chooses for bare sex – under controlled circumstances – because it sells well, and amateurs often take big risks with strangers, either out of ignorance or because they seemingly don’t care. Also be careful about importing dirty talk into your sex life, and don’t just blindly copy it out of a porn. Something like “Yeah baby, stuff that big fat cock into my tight, eager manpussy!” may be intended as a turn-on, but can easily have the reverse effect if the timing or wording of the sentiment are off.
“Masturbation and meditation both promote physical and mental wellbeing.”
– Abhijit Naskar, scientist/author
Cam & chat
If you feel a bit lonely when you spank your monkey, you can have a look online to find someone to join you, in the form of a chat, a video call or by webcam. The best way to get results is to enter a chat room and indicate clearly what you are looking for. There are chat rooms that allow you to see right away which of the other chatters have a webcam available. Be aware that your exhibitionist leanings might leave traces behind that can stir up trouble for you. Any text and pictures you send, can be saved and filed away by the other party. Pictures of you on the webcam in a compromising position can also very easily be captured and stored. Be wary of showing your face in combination with other parts of your body, unless you wouldn’t really mind if they ended up floating around the internet. Don’t be too quick about handing out your phone number to a stranger. It will rarely happen, but someone could use it to look up more information about you or to contact you later, at a bad time. Given all of the above, you will often have to take a gamble on your online sex-partners and hope that they won’t abuse your trust.
Contact doesn’t always have to be a one-off; it can be fun to have regular online buddies. You may end up having a real date with them if they live close enough. And if they live in another country, they could be interesting to chat with, even with their pants on, and ultimately may warrant a trip abroad.
“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.”
– George Carlin, comic
How often is too often?
Not all men jerk alike. There are big differences in the amount of time spent masturbating, both the frequency and the duration. While one guy will speed through three sessions per day, his neighbor might sit down for a long session just once a week and keep himself on the edge until his balls and prostate start to feel painful. People will go through phases during which they masturbate more than usual and phases during which they don’t feel the need all that often. It’s hard to say when someone is overdoing it, unless it becomes an addiction which has negative effects on other aspects of his life.
There is a problem when you miss or cancel appointments because you are too busy masturbating or if you don’t have time for the other things you value in your life because you have trouble taking your hands off your cock. If this is the case, then you need to ask yourself if there is a reason that you are so preoccupied with jerking off. Is it an escape from reality? Are you trying to avoid thinking about problems in your life or putting off annoying work or tasks that needs to be done? Kicking the habit can be tough. After all, it’s a free and pleasant way to pass the time, and you always have the basics (your dick and your hands) with you. Inspiration can often be found no more than a click of the mouse away and there is an instant reward at the end of it. But this primarily is a mental addiction, not a physical one, so with enough willpower, it should be possible to cut back to an acceptable amount. If you feel that things have gotten beyond your control, therapy might be able to help you analyze and change your behavior.
If you have a partner, you will both still jerk off, but probably less. Not all couples will be open about it to each other, but the fact is that two partners will rarely have an equally high sex drive and will not always be horny at the same moment. Taking matters into your own hands can be a good way to keep yourself satisfied while not forcing your partner. Things get problematic if you or your partner decide that masturbation has higher priority than your sex life together. If one of you initiates sex, but it regularly doesn’t lead anywhere because the other party is already satisfied from playing solo, that should be grounds for a talk in which priorities are agreed upon.
Systematically having more interest in masturbation than in sex with your partner is a sign of problems within the relationship. It is important to uncover the reason that sex with your partner has faded into the background. If the two of you can’t figure things out, therapy is, once again, not a bad idea. An objective observer who can hopefully see the dynamics at play between you and your partner and give advice on how to effect change.
Masturbation is free, fun, educational and good for you. As long as you don’t overdo it and keep it from negatively affecting you or your partner, feel free to indulge yourself. Avoid the clap, give yourself a hand!
Last edit: 9-12-2018 Dutch version here.