In various parts of the Western world, you will encounter regular events for those who enjoy leather, fetish and/or kink. These may pique the curiosity of people who have only ever experienced sweet, innocent vanilla loving. How can you safely start to explore your boundaries and get a little kinky at home?
What exactly is ‘kink’ and how do you get to be called ‘kinky’? Well, to a lot of people you are already kinky, if you are a man sleeping with other men. Kinky just means ‘with a twist’, deviating from the norm. Going by that definition, anybody not having standard-issue, missionary-position straight sex has a bit of kink going on already. There are a lot of people who hide their ‘unusual’ preferences and some who are out and proud about them, like a lot of gay leathermen. Once you have already deviated (by being gay), deviating a little further from the norm is less of a big deal.
But before you throw yourself into a sling during happy hour at your local gangbang bar, you may want to push your boundaries in the comfort of your own home and at your own pace. Try out some toys, fetish wear and/or sex scenarios. Find out what it is that turns you on, before you share your kink with the world at large. If the kink comes with any risk to your health, don’t involve someone you don’t really know straight away. If you have a regular partner who is open to it, he can join you on your kinky quest and you can try out various things together.
There are many kinks to choose from and combine: power play, role-play, ass-play, dirty talk, bondage, fisting, S&M (sadomasochism), leather, rubber, uniforms, sportswear, golden showers (piss sex), etcetera. Or perhaps you have a fetish: a strong erotic response to a particular body part or object. Some guys can’t go without nipple-play or get ecstatic when ‘polishing’ boots with their tongue.
“Kink is a very relative term. I don’t think I am particularly vanilla, and I have experience with leather and S&M, but even I can be surprised by what people do with each other and what turns them on. But as long as both parties are into it and big risks are avoided, everybody should go for it.”
With so many perversions to pick from, we can’t get into specifics here. Covering the techniques, behavioral rules and safety precautions for each one would be a book unto itself. In fact, several books have already been written and can be ordered online or from your friendly neighborhood or online gay bookstore. Apart from books, the internet is your friend when it comes to finding information on the deviances that interest you. Pretty much any fetish you can think of probably has several websites dedicated to it.
Do be critical of any information you find, especially when it comes to risky activities. Bondage and fisting, for instance, require you to know what you’re doing to keep things from going wrong. S&M can also get you into trouble mentally or physically if badly handled. You are dealing with power and pain, after all, meaning the sadist (the partner who is giving pain) and the masochist (the partner who is on the receiving end of pain) need to be well attuned to one another. Don’t even try these things unless you are with a partner you can trust and who has experience and knowledge. It would be a shame if you lost a hand because of bad bondage techniques or if your rough play resulted in serious injuries.
“I had to give up masochism – I was enjoying it too much.”
– Mel Calman, cartoonist
You will probably need to spend some money, to get the gear you need for your kink. You will be able to find a lot of things in any sex shop, for example dildo’s, buttplugs, cock rings and porn. But gay-oriented sex stores will probably have a more useful variety, as their stuff is aimed specifically at gay men. Some of these stores also sell a selection of leather gear and other kinky outfits. If you plan to wear something to a specific party or occasion, don’t be shy; ask for advice from the people who work in the shop. They have seen and heard it all, so shocking them would be a challenge. If you don’t yet feel comfortable trying out leather outfits at the store, let alone wear them at a party or club, just buy some things to use at home initially. If you feel shy about visiting sex shops, you could shop online, of course, but ultimately you will need to get over your embarrassment. After all, you’ll get nowhere in kink with that attitude. Sexy things can be found in non-sexy places too. For army wear you can just go to an army outlet and sportswear and hot underwear can be found just about anywhere.
A cock ring helps you keep a strong erection by trapping blood in your cock. So far, so fun. However, if it is too tight, the blood won’t be able to escape and you run the risk of damaging your manhood. If this happens with a metal cock ring, you may end up in the emergency room getting the ring cut off to prevent your dick from falling off. As a beginner, it would be better to buy a rubber ring or a leather strap. Both give the same effect, but can be more easily removed. A wide shoelace can also be used, but make sure that you do not make the knot too tight and that it is quickly removable. Ball-stretchers (no points for guessing what they are for) require a bit more know-how to use them, so know how before you end up hurting yourself using them.
Dildo’s come in all sorts of shapes, textures and sizes. Choose the size according to what you can actually handle as a bottom, or just a bit bigger if you are looking for a challenge. If you are an adventurous top looking to try one out for the first time, don’t make the mistake of concluding that you won’t like getting topped just because you don’t like the sensation a dildo gives you. A real dick will feel softer, even when hard, and will ultimately feel better than a facsimile. There are very realistic dildo’s out there, but they generally require a mortgage. There are even kits that allow you to make a rubber mould of your own cock, so that you can really go fuck yourself.
To make sure a dildo doesn’t get lost inside you, landing you in hospital, buy one that comes with balls attached or at least has a flared base. Buttplugs are also very safe in this aspect and having one in for a while, now and then, can help you relax your butt if you are a tight-ass. For a kinky kick, wear one in public, without anybody knowing it’s there. When masturbating, a buttplug can come in handy too. When you blow a load, your butt clenches and pushes the buttplug up against your prostate, making the orgasm more intense.
Some safety tips on sex toys. Some of them contain chemicals that are likely bad for your delicate insides. Your best bet would be to put a condom over them, if the shape allows it. Be careful washing toys; rinse with lukewarm water and maybe some mild soap. And be careful ‘sharing’ toys, as they can carry STDs.
Other potential ‘beginner’ buys include: nipple clamps, for those who are wired that way, and maybe handcuffs, if playing with a trusted partner. With cuffs, always make sure the keys are within reach before you slap them on, or make sure you can slip them off with a little bit of effort. It would be awkward if the person who has you in his power keels over from a heart-attack, leaving you lying helpless on the bed. Rope is an alternative, but make sure you don’t buy rope that will take off your skin. Ask your local kink store for advice. There are expensive portable slings that can be set up easily and hidden when family comes to tea, if you are wondering about slings, but don’t feel like drilling holes in the walls at home. If you have a hammock, you may be able to use it as a less costly substitute.
“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
– Joan Rivers, comic
After getting all your exciting new toys, you are no doubt eager to play. A good way to get comfortable with them is to spend some quality with them 1-on-1 or with a kink-friendly regular partner. If you don’t have someone at hand and voyeurism is part of your kink, then finding someone online to play with on webcam can be a step towards involving someone else for real. Be aware, however, that various programs allow people to save a whole exchange, meaning that everything you write could be used against you at some point. Videos and pictures can also be captured easily, so if you show your face and your crotch on cam together, that could turn into blackmail material floating around on the web. On the other hand, unless you are famous, no one is likely to notice you among the vast oceans of porn online.
After some solo practice, you will likely want to find actual playmates, if you don’t have a willing partner. Some gay dating sites and apps are kinkier than others, so do a bit of surfing to find one with men you like. When getting in touch with a fellow pervert, make it clear that you are a novice and are eager to learn. If you pretend to know it all but fall flat on your face in the middle of sex play, it will be embarrassing and possibly even dangerous. Most kink aficionados will be only too happy to educate a kink virgin. Standard precautions apply: meet in public and build up some trust before you progress to getting tied up. There are plenty of sweet freaks out there, but also some scary ones. Once you feel comfortable enough with your playmates, you can take them along to some of the leather or otherwise kinky events and maybe play in public, if that is part of your kink. Who knows, by next year’s leather pride, you may be licking boots like a professional!
“Not enough sin is a sin in and of itself.”
Last edit: 19-02-2019 Dutch version here.