Butt, Seriously… – About Fucking

Preceded by kissing and sucking, fucking is the third chapter in what one could call the Holy Porn Trilogy. In real life, one does not necessarily lead to the other. Some guys don’t even like to fuck, for various reasons: hygiene, comfort or emotional connotations. But if your body and mind are in the right mood for it, it may just blow your mind.

Top, bottom, versatile
When you look at profiles online or visit a chat room, you run into these categories everywhere: top (active), bottom (passive) and versatile (both active and passive). These labels play an important role in the way that potential dates and lovers choose each other, which is odd when you consider that it isn’t even clear what they entail precisely. The mechanical meaning is simple: the top is the one who fucks, the bottom is the one who gets fucked and the versatile sometimes fucks and sometimes gets fucked. What is not always clear, is how the labels should be interpreted. For one thing, you can’t be sure if this is a label that was picked for the evening or for life. Also, if a profile states ‘top’, it is not clear if this also applies to sucking by extension and if it means someone thinks of himself as the dominant partner as part of the label. Passive and bottom are used interchangeably in some languages and/or countries, and the phrase ‘passive’ is inaccurate, as being bottom generally doesn’t involve just lying there and taking it. When it comes to versatility, people can flip between top and bottom without actually being ‘versatile’ on any given day, because they need to make a mental switch for it. They may go through phases in which they just want to be one or the other. Or they may want to be only top or bottom with a specific partner.

Complex feelings relating to image and identity are at play when picking a ‘role’. In general, tops are seen as masculine and dominant, while bottoms are seen as passive and more feminine. Because of this, a guy may boast about how many guys he fucked, but be a lot more quiet about how many guys he was fucked by. In reality, the lines between the categories are blurry, but people tend to cling to the labels and because of that exclude things they have never even tried yet.

Someone who sees himself as a hundred percent top may not be able to see himself as the passive partner, purely because of the prejudices that come with it. Or he may have had one or two bad experiences as a bottom with clumsy or incompatible tops and decided it is not for him. With a caring and patient partner, he could still blossom into an enthusiastic bottom. Then again, maybe he just genuinely does not enjoy the physical sensation of getting fucked and never will.

Someone who generally assumes the bottom role could be attracted to tough, dominant men who he assumes will want to be top. He puts himself in the passive role to attract these guys. Wanting to be dominated can be a factor, though in reality it will generally be the bottom who calls the shots in bed. That is sensible, as he is making himself the most vulnerable. Apart from power dynamics, he may just have a prostate that reacts strongly and joyfully to getting stimulated, making him more eager to be on the receiving end of anal sex. Because of practice or natural talent he may have less problems relaxing, making it easier for him to enjoy it without the physical discomfort other men experience.

Before skipping a potential lover or date on the basis of their role, remember that the terms and their definitions are fluid and open to interpretation. And ultimately, two tops or two bottoms can still have a great time together, even without fucking.

“My first experience as a bottom was horrible, because the top wasn’t all that experienced either. We messed around and it was awkward and painful. I couldn’t understand why someone would enjoy it and stayed top for a good long while after that. In the end I landed a versatile boyfriend and in sexperimenting I ended up on the bottom again for the first time in years. He knew his stuff and with patience and love he succeeded in turn me into an enthusiastic versatile.”
– Michael

Flushed cheeks
One of the downsides to anal sex is, not surprisingly, poop. If you have a healthy, regular diet with plenty of fiber and have solid bowel movements, you should be fairly clean a little while after a trip to the toilet. This is handy, especially in a relationship, because you won’t always know when you are about to get jumped and topped. If you know beforehand that something is coming up, when having a date for instance, then you can be extra prepared by giving yourself an enema. Done well, this should take care of most smells and other side-effects, done badly or too often, it can irritate your insides, making the fuck itself less fun, increasing the risk of catching a STD and derailing your bowels. Your butt and your insides are delicate and can easily be damaged if you aren’t careful. Don’t attempt the following process if your insides are especially volatile. In that case, ask your doctor or stick to fiber.

First, soap your butt preferably using a soap-free wash lotion as the skin there gets irritated easily. Slip in a finger to prepare and apply some lube. Next, you will need to get water inside you. One solution for this is an enema bag, which can be filled with water which you then squirt into your ass through a tube. Smaller enema syringes can also be used. You should be able to find a syringe or enema bag easily in most sex stores. Just use lukewarm tap water without anything added to it, as it may irritate the sensitive tissue. Avoid buying prefilled enema bags containing special mixes. You don’t need them, and they may contain harmful substances.

If you happen to be lucky enough to have a shower that has a hose and a showerhead that can be unscrewed, you don’t necessarily need to buy an extra aid. Unscrew the showerhead. Make sure there aren’t any sharp edges on the resulting hose that may cut you where the sun don’t shine or loose rubber rings that may end up circling Uranus on the inside. If you are a regular fuckee, seriously consider investing in a smooth and safe attachment for your shower hose that you can insert into your butt (royally lubed) for a deeper cleaning. These are available at most sex stores. Turn on the water, making sure the stream does not run too fast and that the water is stable at lukewarm temperature. Burning your insides or making them burst because of high pressure would be deeply unfortunate. If you use the hose without an attachment, be sure to put some lube on your exit, but push the end of the hose carefully against it, not inside it, to avoid harm. You should feel water starting to push inside.

Regardless of the method you use to get the water inside, do not let much pressure build, as you may end up in hospital with internal bleeding if you do. As a novice, be extra careful and find out how much you need at a minimum to get clean.

Once you have some water inside, sit on your toilet and gently push the water back out. Repeat this process a couple of times, though not too often, until hopefully the water runs clear. If your results are less than solid and your insides seem cranky, do anything apart from getting fucked that day. If you try anyway, you may find yourself in the middle of a literal shitstorm and traumatize your date. After the final flush, wait roughly fifteen minutes and then sit on the toilet again to get rid of any remaining water you were retaining. This avoids flooding the bed if you are having sex straight after preparations. Depending on how thoroughly you cleaned yourself, you should be fuckable for at least a couple of hours. On a final note: clean the shower or bath with soap after you are done, to avoid slipping and breaking your neck on spilled lube. This is one of the lesser-known aspects of safer sex.

“Anal sex isn’t part of my usual repertoire, I save it for special occasions, so to speak. It’s a lot of hassle, considering the preparations, but especially as a bottom it is a very good way to de-stress: it forces you to totally relax.”
– Ian

Open Sesame
Some guys, especially tops, will claim that getting fucked is supposed to hurt a little in the beginning. This is bullshit, plain and simple. Your sphincter is a muscle, so it can be damaged and torn if too much force is applied. Unprepared entry can leave you with anal fissures and put you out of business as a bottom, possibly for years. Your butt has to relax before the fucking commences. As the top, there is plenty you can do to help make things easier. First of all, don’t put pressure on your partner; stress and relaxation are opposites. Make him really want to get fucked by getting him horny any way you can, by touching, kissing and sucking. And play with your partner’s butt before attempting to slip in the full salami. If your bedmate’s butt is clean, rimming (‘eating ass’) is an option, even though he is unlikely to be sterile back there. Probing at the muscle with your tongue is likely to loosen things up at least a little. You can also use one or two fingers for it, wet with spit or lube. Some guys don’t like a finger in there and would prefer you to slide in your cock, just very slowly in the beginning. Let the bottom set the pace and be ready to pull back the second your partner asks you to. If you are using a condom, as you should in most cases, put this on during foreplay. Don’t wait until his butt is up in the air, as that would disrupt the flow. The size of your dick will matter when entering initially, mostly the thickness at this point. A pencil will go in easier than a cucumber. Don’t be afraid to pile on the lube. There is no shame in stroking yourself in between attempts, to keep hard, using a cock ring if necessary. Don’t jerk off your bottom guy during first entry, as this will make his butt contract.

‘Tight-ass’ is not just an expression for people who are uptight. Some guys will genuinely have a much harder time relaxing their asses than others, even if they really want to get fucked. It is also a matter of practice, however, so don’t give up the first time your butt rejects his cucumber. Taking deep breaths will relax all the muscles in your body, including the important one. Pushing out, like you do when flushing yourself, will also make it easier for him to get inside. Poppers (chemicals that you inhale from a small jar) are popular as a shortcut to relaxation. They give your heart a jolt, relax your butt and other muscles and give you a horny, red-faced rush. They do have drawbacks. Some people are not too happy with the smell, and the stuff is definitely not healthy, kicking your immune system just at the moment you want it up and running. Poppers can also make you lose your erection, give you a headache or leave burn marks if spilt.

Once truly relaxed, quite a bit will fit inside your butt, and you may end up surprising yourself. If you have trouble getting to that point, consider buying a buttplug or a dildo to practice by yourself before attempting to play with others. Do not start experimenting with dangerous objects that then have to get surgically removed because you shoved them in too far. And leave those poor gerbils alone.

Prostate pro
The prostate discussed earlier is the male g-spot and is located about an index finger deep when your partner is on his back and you slightly curl your finger upwards while inside of him. That spot is the source for most of the intense feelings he’ll get when you top him. A large dick isn’t needed to reach it. The angle from which you stimulate it matters, so your pleasant task will be to find out in which exact variation on what position you will be hitting it optimally for this specific bottom. Sensitivity differs from one person to the next. Some men like a firm push, others a gentle rub. Considering the differences in size and shape of dicks, there simply isn’t one universal, ideal position that is guaranteed to help each and every bottom reach Nirvana.

If there’s pain during fucking, it could be that the dick is hitting one of the sides uncomfortably due to curvature of the rectum or the dick. Or there could be entirely different factors, like internal hemorrhoids. If a bad angle is indeed the problem, it can be solved by finding a position that allows the dick easy entry and hits the prostate in a good way.

No hard feelings
Sometimes a bottom will lose his erection while he is getting topped. That isn’t necessarily a sign he is not enjoying himself. He may just be concentrating more on his back than on his front. And some men need manual stimulation to stay up, which can be tricky depending on the position. However, if he also has a bored look on his face and starts doing a crossword puzzle, there may be a problem.

Should you have doubts about his level of satisfaction, then give his front a little attention. Jerk him off with some spit or lube in your hand while you stay inside of him. Check if he appreciates it or if he prefers that you keep your focus on his butt. Bonus points are given if you are able to suck his dick without pulling out of him while he is riding you or when you have his legs over your shoulders. Then those yoga lessons have served a purpose. But even if you don’t manage it, he may enjoy you going down on him during a switch in position or during a break in between rounds of sex.

“Even sodomy can be sane and wholesome granted there is an exchange of genuine feeling.”
– D.H. Lawrence, writer

Coming & going
Some bottoms can come while getting fucked without touching their dick, thanks to a very sensitive prostate. Even if they need a bit of a hand, coming while getting fucked is an intense experience. Depending on personal preference, ask the top to increase or decrease his speed while you come. Right after orgasm, the feeling of penetration can flip from nice to too sensitive for the bottom. As a top, be aware that he may ask you to pull back at that point. Do this slowly and carefully. Ask a partner if it’s okay to come inside of him, even if you’re using a condom. Your partner may instead want you to shoot all over him or over yourself, either because it turns him on or because of concern regarding STDs or both. If you are afraid of asking the question during sex, fearing it will spoil the mood, you can bring this up beforehand.

Last edit: 10-12-2018  Dutch version here.